Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
