I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
