How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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