dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wish I only lived at night.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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