sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
