fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize