Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
