I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
