Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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