Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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