When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
