I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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