Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He is an equal opportunity slut.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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