She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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