I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
