What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
