This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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