I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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