There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
