how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
no, he came in my armpit
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize