i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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