we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize