I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
