im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Can I color on your dick again?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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