I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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