the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
