i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
