Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
