I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I can't put those talents on a resume
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
