craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
