what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
