I wish I could teleport
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
