I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
