Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
