Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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