I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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