i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
