East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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