Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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