Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
