i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
