Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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