"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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