Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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