WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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