Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
