I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
