Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
