I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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