Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
