Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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