Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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