my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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