Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
