did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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