i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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