i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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