if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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