Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
