i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
