Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
