good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
