I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
